Breaking Me
by MugenYumeDansu
Summary: "I remember everything. Rude..." Reno has been in love with her partner Rude for years. And he's saved her over and over. One sided unrequited love, Genderswap, Femme!Reno, angst, hurt/comfort RenoXRude R&R please!


**Breaking Me**

Oneshot!

Reno has been in love with Rude for years.

One sided unrequited love.

Depression, angst, romance, hurt/comfort

Rated M

I remember everything. Every battle fought, every life lost. All we had to sacrifice to save Midgar...

And it got to me. Broke me. Made me weaker than ever.

I let it break down my walls. I could no longer hide behind the guise of the carefree prankster.

It broke down who I am.

The fun-loving, tough talking girl with the EMR, and a love for flying.

The fiery redhead who likes liquor a little too much, has a potty-mouth that could make a sailor blush, and tends to flirt with anyone cute that gets close enough, be they male or female.

The girl who, no matter how bleak it looked, never gave up the optimistic outlook, with a hope of clocking out early, with a job well done.

The girl who stands side by side with a group of fighters and spies, and doesn't feel intimidated; because I'm one of them, one of the best.

The one-and-only partner to him...

I can't hide from my memories... I can't hide from my desires.

Sitting here, alone again.

Something keeps roiling around inside of me.

A loneliness deeper than anything I've ever felt before.

It drags at me, sucking me down into its blackness.

It chokes the air out of my lungs, suffocating me.

It fills me with itself and drowns out the world, until I am more alone than ever.

Then it begins.

The tears I've held inside for so long begin to escape, unable to be contained any longer.

The cries that never rose from my throat claw their way free, leaving me ragged behind them.

The fear and doubt that I battered down into a tight ball in the pit of my stomach unfurl and reach out their tendrils, seeking the most vulnerable part of me, then ripping into it like razors.

And nothing can ever stop them.

That's not true.

There is one thing that could make this all end in a moment.

But as I reach out to the spark of light that could end this pain, it flits away, like a wil-o-wisp, leaving me in torment.

I fall to my knees, screaming, sobbing, crying, feeling, choking, burning.

My eyes clench shut and my throat opens up, spewing what's inside of me into the empty air.

And I surrender to it, letting it carry me along until I fall over the edge into unconciousness.

And in my dreams I find what I need most.

Rude...

First its the warmth surrounding me.

Then I feel his arms sliding around me and bringing me closer.

He presses me to his chest, murmuring words into my ear that make sense only to me.

I can feel his heartbeat against my ear.

It matches mine.

His fingers wind through my bright red hair and twirl strands around themselves.

His arms tightening around me, pulling me closer, as if he would crawl inside my skin just to be close.

I can feel his lip moving against my hair as he whispers my name.

"Reno..."

Then he is moving, kissing a path to my lips.

Across my ear, my cheek, the corner of my eyes, my tattoos, the corner of my lips, then full on my lips.

He is soft, but rough, and solid as he kisses me.

Then he pulls back and my eyes open.

His eyes meet mine.

And I realize that he is saying that he loves me, that he wants me, that he won't let me go.

My heart skips a beat and my body flares warm with emotion.

He leans his forehead against mine, and just holds me.

His arms never loosen, keeping me trapped against him, as if to prevent my escape.

As if I'd want to.

Pinned against his hard chest, closer to him than ever.

Staring into those dark eyes that he hides behind those damn sunglasses.

But as I wrap my arms around him I feel it all seeping away.

I open my eyes and the color is gone.

His arms disappear, his face fades, his voice becomes distant, until he is no longer there.

And I am alone again.

The flood of loneliness and dispair surrounds me once again, wrapping itself tighter, pulling me down, and draining me of life, until I am nothing.

A cold shell of what once I was.

I can still see a shadow of him when my eyes close, and it will never leave me, like a reminder of what I can never have.

I have been broken many times.

It was he who brought me back to life every time.

He who coaxed the frightened and hurt creature from hiding, and helped her to see that the world hadn't ended.

Helped her to feel again.

Helped her to grow, to change, to metamorphose into a stronger, better being.

Helped her to become comfortable in her own skin, and begin to like herself, rather than hating what she saw in the mirror.

Helped her to be happy for the first time, truly happy.

He encouraged her, challenged her to do things she never thought she could.

Caught her when she fell. Spoke to her like an equal, like a friend.

Until she began to take steps on her own.

Then he let her walk on her own, and faded into the shadows once more.

He changed her, and then returned to the guise of only a friend, and nothing more.

And no matter how much I want to touch him, to hold him, to tell him what lies in my heart, I know that if I do he will disappear from my life alltogether.

He would request a transfer, and I'd get a new partner.

A stranger.

And I'd have to watch him walk away. Repulsed by me.

And that would surely break me more than anything in this hell-bound world ever could.

So I will keep my silence, and admire him in secret, until luck turns in my favor, and either he tells me of feelings for me, or until I find someone who will love me as deeply as I will love them. As I love him.

Rude...

R&R please ^_^


End file.
